Do I want the old me back? Grappling with Acceptance

When I was diagnosed with MS at 19, I had no idea who the fuck I was. I was barely halfway done with my sophomore year of college and was still finding myself. Honestly, it wasn’t until more than a decade later that I became firmly rooted and confident in myself as a person. During that time I had my definition of a dream job, my marriage was stable and enjoyable, I was eating healthfully, managing stress, in community with others and rediscovered movement and fitness which showed me what my body was capable of. And by 2021, I knew who I was and what I stand for AND I felt confident, capable and hopeful.

But in the last 4 years, I experienced stressors on top of stressors and slowly lost the life and person I built. During that time I have experienced chronic stress in a way I never have in my 39 years of life. Like, unrelenting, trauma after trauma stress. I had no time to recover in between. Plus, I live in America, and well…it’s terrifying here.

In turn, my sensitivity to stress has escalated - things that normally are not stressful, leave my heart pounding and mind racing which leaves little time for recovery. Basically, I feel like a fried wire and that is not a great place to be, especially with MS.

This isn’t a brag, or a have pity on me type of thing, it’s just the season of life I am in. I’m aware of that, but just because I’m aware of it doesn’t mean I accept it. I mean, let’s be real, it is a lot to accept, so of course it is going to be a slow process.

I opened my business at the end of 2021, and it has been more challenging than I ever thought possible. Every thing was new and despite opening and managing fitness studios, this is different and the learning curve is steep. Being a one woman show starting from scratch is a lot.

Despite having MS since 2005, in 2022 MS became more challenging and unpredictable than it was before. Then in January 2023, it progressed - my diagnosis shifted from Relapsing Remitting MS to Active Secondary Progressive MS.

Later in 2023, our family of 4, unexpectedly shrunk to a family of 3 (RIP sweet Cliff). I still miss our orange fur ball and long to hear is incessant meows again. That was also the year our other fur ball, Miss Lilly became chronically ill. While she is living her best life now, she also requires more care than the average feline, and she gets what we like to lovingly refer to as Cadillac Care - the highest level of TLC. She was given 4 months to live and is still here being a bossy, energetic, cranky, old lady a year and a half later. Which, to be honest has reinforced my belief that love is an integral component in enhancing quality of life and healing.

Speaking of love, marriage is hard. Adam and I started dating when we were barely 20 years old. Our birthdays are this week and we are turning 39. You grow a LOT during that time. Growing pains in relationships are very real, especially two decades in. Plus, it is no secret that doing life with someone is challenging, then add in a chronic illness, health struggles, death, financial concerns and everything else and it is very easy to become disconnected.

And, like the world, I had my social system and life completely uprooted in 2020 due to the pandemic. And unlike most of the world, as an immunosuppressed person, I live a life that is more isolated even though its five years later.

It all came to a head in 2024. For the last year the feelings of stress and overwhelm have been very isolating. The grief has been overwhelming. At times it comes in waves of sadness, other times it is moments of anger, often it is just a feeling of heaviness and despair. There is a tangible absence of happiness, joy, pleasure, lightheartedness and at times things feel very dark and devoid of hope.

When I started my business back in 2021, I felt firmly grounded in who I was, my values, my priorities and what I could offer the world of chronic illness. Just thinking about that happy, healthy girl registering her business on Christmas Day makes me tear up. I feel so far from that girl excited to start a new chapter. Because now, after endless traumatic stressors (and other stresses not listed…b/c privacy), I feel lost. I don’t feel confident. My body doesn’t move how it used to. My emotions are overwhelming and my brain never turns off. It’s harder than ever to run a business, not to mention exist in the most basic sense of the word.

Things I used to do with ease, like hold conversations, navigate public, workout, cook meals, multitask, process my surroundings or what is being said in an convo are all becoming increasingly difficult. Even writing this is making me figgity - like I don’t want to air my struggles. I mean, I have thought about writing this for 5 months, but I find myself constantly punting the task because it’s all so fresh.

Grief and change is very destabilizing.

I just want things to go back to how they were, ya know? I would prefer to not need to rebuild from the ashes. But, that’s not going to happen. I know and have recently accepted that. Acceptance doesn’t come easy though, plus it is an ongoing process.

I thought after spending years fine tuning how I manage and live with MS, I could handle whatever changes came my way. But that coupled with seemingly endless traumatic stress over the last 5 years has been too much. And, because it was so draining, it limited my bandwidth - making it nearly impossible to work through and recover from all these changes. In turn, I doubt myself even more…and become more stuck.

And that is where I have been mentally and emotionally since the end of last year - stuck.Like, REAL STUCK.

I haven’t shared too much about it, because I was trying to wrap my head around having so many aspects of my life in flux. Plus, the daily, weekly, monthly demands of being a (semi) functioning adult in society make it even harder to find my footing. And I kept hoping things would magically switch back, if I just wished and hoped hard enough.

It’s weird, like I know that is not realistic, but I was holding on to hope that there would be some magical exception for me.

Logical? No. But, we all know our thoughts aren’t always logical when we are swimming in stress.

The last month I have refocused on practicing what I preach - taking small steps and focusing on progress, no matter how small, over perfection. In turn, there have been tiny, tiny glimmers along the way - emphasis on the word tiny. 😊

Here’s an example of one:

Last week I was driving to yet another doctor appointment. However this drive was different. It was sunny outside, the wisteria was blooming and it lines parts of the highway with beautiful purple flowers. It was one of those moments where the outside is showing so much life and promise you can actually feel the energy.. But deeper inside I was reflecting on how defeated and lost I felt and was starting to get angry. I was frustrated I was stuck driving to the doctors…again.

The softness of the outside must have infiltrated my internal world though because amidst the negative feelings I had a thought…

‘Well, even if I am not the exact same person as before, I still have a lot of those qualities that I used to have like strength, perseverance, authenticity and courage - I am still here after all. They are just buried now. What if I leaned back into those to help me now?’

A glimmer.

My mind kept going, as it does, and believe it or not a glimpse of gratitude snuck in.

I thought ‘maybe all these stressors are just a twisted blessing in disguise because now I really, like, really, realllllllyyyyy know what a toll chronic stress can take on the human body, especially with a chronic illness’.

Then I kept traveling down that line of thought…

I may have been and am still going through hell, but it has taught me so much. Not only that, I have seen first hand the effects of stress. I have learned how to regulate my nervous system and now practice being more flexible, accepting and adapting. While it’s not perfect, progress is happening, even if it is slower than I would prefer and hard to recognize in the moment.

Don’t get me wrong, I often want to curl up in a ball and hide (or stomp and scream) at times. However, all those panic attacks and anxious days had their place. They have been teachers in their own right.

I felt a small sense of accomplishment for weathering the storms at all.

I realized that through the chaos of the last year, I got SO far away from paying attention and celebrating when I did something to care for myself. I would complain, critique or be angry instead. My internal monologue was so cranky and bitchy - like ‘ughhhh now I have to cook, but I don’t have energy, why is this so hard? I hate it here.’

No wonder why life was dismal and everything felt like a battle. That language made it so much worse because it turned every task into a seemingly insurmountable challenge. I would feel defeated before I even began, and it would zap any motivation I did have. I was holding myself down.

What I really needed in those moments was to accept where I was. I needed to encourage myself to lift myself up. That is what would help me become the person I know I can be.

In order to do that I had to let go of who I used to be. I needed to stop punishing, critiquing or judging myself for my current reality. I needed to accept where I was.

It’s not the expensive supplements, or special gadgets, or one big grandiose moment that are going to help. …it lies in acceptance and the action of caring for myself in all the tiny moments throughout the day. It’s about being kind to myself, slowing tf down and opening myself up to see glimmers during the day, eating healthfully, finding joyful and fun moments, moving my body, getting sunlight, speaking compassionately to myself, acknowledging stress and learning how to flow with it instead of against it.

So now, I have made some changes. To be really honest, I am treating myself like a Tamagotchi (remember those). Am I fed? Hydrated? Did I move for the day? Did I take breaks for fun? Did I get outside? See other people? Did I talk to myself with care? And most importantly did I acknowledge what I was doing to care for myself so I could really feel and soak in the effects?

Obviously not every day is perfect and there is still a long way to go, but trying to add more soul nourishing moments into my day has created more soulful and rich moments. Plus it has made the stress easier to manage.

My guiding light feels like it is slowly growing and becoming more present again. I feel more equipped than ever to move forward, even if it’s sloppy. All those countless, small day to day actions add up. They build momentum and shift my perspective, and with it, shifts my current reality.

And ya know what?

That builds my sense of agency and empowers me to keep going. I feel like I actually have a say in my life again and I feel the slightest bit closer to being the bad bitch I know I am. I feel more confident in my ability to handle the ups and downs. I feel more resilient. And while I know, I am not (and probably won’t ever) be out of the woods. I have a renewed sense of strength and fortitude.

To me, that is the power of acceptance in action. It allows you to say, ‘ok, while I wouldn’t chose to be here and I miss the person I was, this is where I am. And, actually this version of myself is more strong and badass than that past version, which is pretty fucking cool. I can take the values from my past self that I love and combine those with what I want in my future.’

From there, you have all the power to create a new reality, slowly and with care.