Navigating Shame
I remember when I was first diagnosed with MS, I was 19 and in a doctor’s office. I had been through a horrific first relapse during which I went from a “normal” college student to not being able to see, write, or bathe myself. It was then I became disabled and went searching for answers.
The first doctor thought it was MS.
The second doctor was sure it was MS.
The third doctor said I couldn’t see, write or walk because I was depressed. While I felt infuriated and invalidated after that appointment, I didn’t feel ashamed because the doctor’s claim was so outrageous and incorrect.
It was the fourth doctor appointment where I was met with the feeling of shame that I still remember to this day. After listening to my story and doing the neurological exams which I performed poorly on, I was told that I ‘look too beautiful to be sick’. It was flippant, like, who cares if your life is in shambles because you still look fine. The blatant disregard to my reality and making it about looks (of all things) was too much. I couldn’t take care of myself, I took incompletes at school, I was searching for help, and in one quick comment the nightmare I had been living was invalidated and shame rushed in. I wanted to hide in a corner fucking teleport outta that appointment immediately. And, almost 20 years later, I can still clearly remember the office, the sensations my body felt, and how alone and ashamed I felt after the appointment. Thats the power of shame.
SHARED EXPERIENCE
I know I am not alone with experiencing shame, especially when it’s related to the chronic illness I live daily with. Actually, I can say with 99.9999% certainty you have felt shame at some point in your life illness or not. Hell, we are humans navigating a complex world, we ALL experience shame. But, shame is, well, shameful (imagine that), which is why knowing how to navigate it feels like it is cloaked in secrecy.
One thing is for sure - we can’t work with shame if we don’t know what the fuck it is, so let’s dive into that first.
WTF IS SHAME
At its root, shame is a painful and chaotic emotion. It causes the urge to hide or to withdraw from connection as part of a way of coping with feeling unsafe and unworthy of being seen as you are in this moment.
Shame is a tool of suppression and can disorganize how we view our self. Shame can be explicit, like bullying. Or, shame can be implicit, like the look of disgust on someone’s face when they look at you.
WHY SHAME EXISTS
So why is it a thing? Evolutionarily, shame has a use. Wayyyy back in the day when we were hunter/gatherers, the emotion of shame would act as a BIG barrier to any behavior that could get your tribe killed or put in danger because shame creates the sensation that you will be abandoned by your tribe, which would be a threat to your survival.
Again, shame is a tool of suppression that prevents us from being able to trust ourselves in the future so we look to others or keep quiet.
When feelings of shame arise, you may feel an immobilization or freeze response. That freeze response can have a range of emotions connected to it, like anger, sadness or fear. You may experience the urge to hide, withdraw, be secretive or avoidant, partake in negative self talk, or have feelings of humiliation.
In an ideal world, shame is meant to be experienced momentarily and then be followed by safe connection and co-regulation, either by yourself or with others. In this way shame is adaptive.
For example, say as a kid you started to cross the street without looking and your parent yelled at you for doing so, causing you to feel wrong and ashamed. But, when that is followed with your parent calmly explaining why that is not safe and providing comfort, then shame is dispelled and y’all go on your merry way.
However, when feelings of shame are not met with safe connection and co-regulation, the shame can become internalized. When this happens, it is felt in our body and mind that we are inherently unworthy of love, acceptance and connection. We feel like we are not allowed to exist as we are - something needs to be different for us to be valid in our existence, needs and desires. This shame imprint hits us at our identity and becomes part of our unconscious dictating our perception of ourselves and the world.
Guilt = I did something bad
Shame = I am bad
For example, at that fourth doctor appointment when I felt shame, it was NOT met with safe connection and co-regulation after, which led to internalized feelings of shame around my illness. Was I faking? Was I so broken this expert doctor didn’t even know what to do aside from invalidate me? What does my current experience of being dependent on others to live say about me?
I didn’t understand the gravity of that interaction until years later. While I don’t fault myself, if I knew about internalized shame at the time the after shock of the appointment would have been a lot different.
Reflect -
What does shame feel like in your body?
Do you ever notice when you feel shame you feel compelled to collapse, curl into, or freeze? Maybe you feel flustered, want to escape or lash out at others?
Don’t judge how shame feels in your body, just take note of it. That way when it happens, you can identify it.
HOW SHAME CAN BE EXPERIENCED
I gave the example of a doctor appointment, but there are lots of ways that feelings of shame arise and become internalized.
When you feel shame, there are NOT just the feelings of shame. There are layers to the experience of shame:
The emotional response that you have to feeling shamed (like fear, confusion, sadness or anger) also exists and binds to the shame
Feeling shame for even feeling shame at all
Feelings of shame around how you choose to cope with the shame (or the fact you need a coping mechanism at all)
Basically, shame is complex, layered and DEEP.
WORKING WITH SHAME
Think about it, shame convinces you that you are the problem. It encourages us to hide and it disconnects us from our body and mind. The result is that we feel broken and unsure of ourselves and our experience. Thus we rely on others to tell us how we feel instead of connecting to how we feel.
So how tf are you supposed to work with it?
You have to be kind and compassionate to yourself.
I’m serious. If you think adding more shame around how you feel is going to make you feel safe to work with the shame you are strongly mistaken.
Since shame makes us want to disappear into the ether never to be heard of again, to de-shame you have to acknowledge that you are experiencing shame in the first place. Acknowledging that you are feeling shame is powerful and a BIG step in and of itself, because you can’t work with something if you don’t know it exists. So kudos to you.
Remember how I said that meeting shame with connection and co-regulation can help dispel it? After acknowledging the shame, you have to meet those feelings of shame with safe connection and co-regulation by being kind and compassionate. Doing so normalizes the sensation of shame in your body so you are able to connect with it while gaining control and genuine interest in the experience. Aka you are less uncomfortable (or at least more aware) of when you are feeling ashamed AND you are more trusting/able to see that this IS NOT associated with who you are or your worth as a human and instead is just a passing moment in time.
PRACTICES TO DESHAME
These are two exercises you can try to de-shame and rebuild trust in yourself.
#1 - I BELIEVE YOU
When we feel ashamed we want to run and hide. What would it be like to give yourself safe connection instead?
When you notice feelings of shame, validate yourself by saying ‘I believe you’.
OBSERVE How does that feel to say ‘I believe that right now I am feeling *insert emotion/symptom*’ instead of running away, trying to change it, hide it, or deny it?
Can you observe what that feels like in your body and where you feel it?
What it is like to validate yourself and give attention and awareness to your body and mind without trying to peace out?
Can any of the pleasure of relief be known? Like, it may not feel good per se, but I am validating it, and it feels good to be seen.
Personally, I LOVE using this when I am having an especially rough symptom day because not only am I experiencing the symptom, I am pissed and ashamed that I am experiencing a symptom in the first place. And that just puts me at war with my body. It turns me into the hunter of my own body - determined to find and eliminate the problem. Not to mention the result is me tightening/curling/tensing internally in an effort to brace and defend. But I kid you not, the second I say the statement ‘I believe you. I believe that you are angry and ashamed about experiencing a high symptom day’ my shoulders soften…I go from defense to offense.
That last part is KEY.
Ya gotta go from defense to offense.
Cuz when you are on offense you are on the same team.
You are leading with love, vulnerability and exploration.
You are problem solving from a place of openness and curiosity and SPACE, not one of frantic/panicked/chaotic clouded desperation.
Try it, see what you think. What does making the effort to really believe what your body is telling you feel like in your body?
#2 HOW I REALLY FEEL IS…
This practice is all about radical honesty and the freedom it brings. Using ‘should’ breeds shame….
I should be working right now.
I should be able to workout the way I did last week.
I should have accepted my illness by now.
And the list goes on…
Admitting how you REALLY feel instead of how you SHOULD feel is liberating, healing and empowering.
What if you shifted those statements to ‘How I really feel is…’?
How would that radically honest language open up your world instead of constrict it?
I am really mad that I feel worthless because I am not working right now.
I am grieving the loss of stability. I am longing to know how I will feel consistently.
I am so overcome with emotions when I think about my illness that I don’t know I will ever truly accept it.
Being radically honest gets rid of the shame by bringing your true feelings to light. It also puts you in synergy with your thoughts and actions vs being at odds with them. Again, it is acknowledging your true feelings which builds trust in yourself because you are not ‘shoulding’ how you feel. You are being radically honest with yourself by reinforcing the idea that you DO know how you feel and you are dismantling shame as you go. More kudos to you!
Give it a try and let me know if ya like it!
LOVE YA
We are all in this together and we can provide each other support through hard times. Being in community and sharing our experiences is a great way to shine light on the common experience of shame and learn and connect with others. If you have any thoughts on shame or try any of the exercises please drop a comment, I would love to hear about it! 🧡
