20 Year MS Anniversary Musings

Friday, December 5, 2025 was my 20 year anniversary of being diagnosed with MS.

I like to recognize December 5th every year. I totally understand that to some remembering the exact day you life was flipped upside down AND recognizing it every year may seem odd, but not to me.

The way I see it, the day I was diagnosed served as a big ass PERIOD. It was the closing of the chapter of my life before I became chronically ill.

Every anniversary signifies another year of trials, victories, tribulations, wtf moments, wins, challenges, struggles and triumphs. It marks another year of my life where I came out the other side. It reminds me of my resiliency, my determination, my strength - so why NOT celebrate it? Even if the celebration is small and in the form of me standing a bit taller that day, I fucking deserve a celebration, damn it! 💁🏻‍♀️

This year was different though, because instead of standing proud that I made it through another year, I felt weighed down and burdened by the year.

Why?

This was the year of 5-12 doctor appointments EVERY (FUCKING) WEEK. Yes, all caps was intentional and extremely necessary. 🙃

This was the year I had to choose doctor appointments and my health over a full time job.

This was the year I developed two new autoimmune conditions.

This was the year where managing my health felt like an endless list of to dos just to merely exist.

This was the year I had to make the hardest medicine decisions of my life, balancing risk vs rewards in ways I have never had to before.

This was the year I felt imprisoned by my health and the healthcare system.

This was the year where I truly felt like I had no idea what to do at times in regards to my health, usually I have a gut feeling, but it was hard to tap into that this year.

This was the year Lilly died, marking the end of our original crew and changing our family forever.

This was the year I desperately treaded water, just to try to survive.

Rarely things are black and white, and all those hard times above existed among softer moments too…

This was also the year I started working out regularly with a physical therapist and personal trainer. This was the year I took group fitness classes again (first time in 4 years!). 💪🏼

This was the year we got two new kittens - Wes and Hazel. 😻😻

This was the year I went from one traumatic experience to the next, with glimmers in between.

This was the year I participated in my first in person speaking experience about MS. 🧡

This was the year where relationships were stretched, twisted, challenged, and transformed.

This was the year I had to accept and adjust, time and time again.

This was the year of LOW lows and HIGH highs and so much more not listed above.

Just writing this brings up a lot of conflicting emotions - it’s also cathartic (in the best sense of the word). I have been so bogged down by all this crap and typing it out is helpful in releasing the headache that this year was. It also helps me realize that there were small reprieves, tiny wins and at the end of this tumultuous year, I am still standing. Which, may be the most important insight of all!

This anniversary also had another milestone to it - I have officially lived with MS more than I have lived without it. That feels like the closing of another chapter - another ending in this strange journey with an illness. Even after 20 years, MS continues to change me, forcing me to shift, flow, evolve and bend so I don’t break.

When I was younger, I always wondered what this anniversary of living with MS longer than I have lived without it, would feel like, where I would be with MS, what life would be like, and now I finally know.

In some ways it is what I expected, in other ways it is vastly different than what I thought, but regardless I’m proud of myself for getting here. Accepting how it is and continuing to show up, move onward, and live life with MS, the bestie I never asked for is all I can do, so that is what I will do.

It’s not like there HAS to be a lesson after this shit show of a year, but IF there was, maybe it is that some years are just hard. Some years add more gray hair, some years feel like you are trudging through heavy ass mud, some years feel like you are moving backward. THOSE are the years to really celebrate, even if all I can muster is a meek ‘happy anniversary of this crap’. Because even if it wasn’t as pretty as some of the other years, I still showed up, I still did the damn thing, and THAT is something to be proud of.

What about you? Where are you in your chronic illness journey? What have you learned? Drop it in a comment below!