Rebuilding Strength

A year ago in September of 2024 I had a major setback. The MRIs were clear but I was not able to function - grip strength was gone, fatigue was high, walking was unstable at best, and many other MS symptoms were worse. I was unable to work and live like how I was. Life literally stopped. Recovering from that was extremely difficult for many reasons.

September through December of 2024 was spent trying to mentally wrap my head around what was going on, advocate for myself and just trying to stay above water quite frankly.

January through March acceptance kicked in, but my efforts to heal and slowly build back to where I was were not working. I was trying to do everything I could to take care of myself on my own but could not make any head way. Workouts were scaled to what I thought I could do, but they would leave me extra fatigued and sore for days. I couldn’t find a good rhythm with preparing healthy meals. Managing stress felt impossible because I could only see the things I couldn’t do.

It was a dark time. I felt like I was in quicksand slowly getting pulled under and watching my old life slip away for good.  I felt like a major failure. Here I am, a Chronic Illness Guide and Patient Leader and I can’t even get my own shit together. Instead I was just spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.

Then one day I was driving home from yet another doctor appointment and passed a gym called Upright Athlete that offers physical therapy and personal training. In a sudden burst of motivation and hope I called and set up an appointment with a physical therapist name Patricia.

Prior to meeting, I did what any normal person would do and I looked her up online. I was flooded with a rush of excitement and fear. Patricia reminded me SO much of who I was a few years ago - happy, super fit, energetic, passionate and strong. I knew this was going to be a good fit, but damn, I was NERVOUS. I think those nerves really came out on my intake form because I wrote a fucking NOVEL about the last few years, where I was, where I am now, and where I want to go. More info is better than less right?!?! 🫠

Prepping for the first meeting was a tad bit of a rollercoaster - I was equal parts anxious and excited, and picking an outfit that was acceptable was hard because none of my clothes fit, but like everything I made it work!

During our initial meeting Patricia did all the assessments, we discussed goals and started with very small workouts. I remember that first bike warm up vividly. I was thinking ‘this is too much, how am I going to get through this as a warm up AND do the workout?’ But lo and behold with Patricia’s guidance and encouragement I made it through.

In the beginning I really, REALLLLLLY had to remind myself to just show up and stick with it. Often I was so discouraged about what we were doing, that it was hard to celebrate it. I was more irritated that my body didn’t move how I wanted it too, that ‘simple’ things were so difficult now. I just wanted to jump back into workouts I used to be able to do. Thank god for Patricia because she kept me on track, checked me when I was being a negative Nancy and made sure I pushed myself, but not too hard.

I met with Patricia 1-2 times per week, took Seated Pilates with DK at Movement Remedies 1-2x a week and walked with a friend or did a small strength training workout on my own 1x/week. I started cooking meals again too, at first it was only a couple nights a week, but I slowly built up to making sure we had a balanced dinner most nights of the week.

None of that was easy. Incorporating new habits is hard and doing it while grieving the loss of who you used to be is even harder. I knew I could either stay where I was and get stuck in grief, or do something different to get somewhere different. I know from the past that focusing on the past isn’t actually helpful, so I kept reframing my thoughts and showing up. Day after day I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

After about 3 months I noticed I felt more stable overall. My hip stopped hurting all the time. I wasn’t as guarded when I moved. Patricia and I celebrated these wins. It was really nice to feel supported. For the longest time I felt like as a personal trainer, I should be able to write my own workouts and figure it out on my own. Now I see I didn’t have the capacity for that and what I needed was a fresh set of eyes to help, which is exactly what Patricia did! 💪🏼

The next two months we started testing out different movements and heavier weights that were similar to things I used to do. Let me tell you, getting back to hip thrusting and squatting with a barbell and deadlifting with a trap bar was such a cool experience. And, it was even better not having to set all the weights up myself haha (thanks Patricia!).

By September 2025, a full year after the initial downfall, I was starting to see glimpses of the strength I was used to. Don’t get me wrong I am no where near where I was, but it’s night and day compared to where I was and I’ll gladly take that.

One session Patricia mentioned she was doing a strength training for runners group fitness class for 8 weeks starting in October. Since I used to manage boutique fitness studios and I practically lived in group fitness classes back in the day, my ears perked up. I thought I could give her class a try. While I am not a runner by any means, she assured me that didn’t matter. The strength training exercises would help anyone build strength and stability. I was sold. I recruited my husband to join me, because we both used to take group fitness classes and I thought it would be a fun experience to get back into that and improve our health together. He agreed and we started the first week of October.

The first day of class was a little nerve wracking because it was something new and different. Patricia had mentioned ahead of time the warm up would be a short jog around the building. Immediately I got tense, I hadn’t run in literally years. It was daunting and I was hesitant to add something new (the running warm up) on top of something new (the group strength training class) so I did a warm up on the bike instead. That way I could do a warm up that was more comfortable doing, and use the actual class as my uncomfortable/trying something new thing. And, I wasn’t doing a bunch of new stuff all at once. I did that for the first two classes, just to get a handle on how my body responded to this new form of activity.

To my surprise, class was the perfect amount of intensity, I was tired at the end, but not exceptionally so. I was a little sore the next day, but not bad. I was really pleased. Plus, being around people and working out together filled my heart so much. I forgot how much I enjoy fitness classes!

Then came the second week of classes. The weather cooled down, and my husband said the lap around the building wasn’t too bad. It was time to try running for a warm up.

And ya know what?

I made it.

Not only that, when I came in Patricia congratulated me and the rest of the class heard, most of whom are all more serious runners and they all clapped and were so happy for me. (I may or may not be tearing up writing that) 🙃

Being celebrated by others was such a cool experience. Often life with illness feels lonely and isolating. Plus, I rely on my own positive self talk a lot, and tbh sometimes I don’t have it in me and its just exhausting. Having Patricia and the rest of the class offer words of encouragement and support was SO nice. It showed me that there is something really powerful in letting yourself be vulnerable, sharing your story and allowing others to support you in your journey. Ya gotta put yourself out there to be seen and celebrated after all!

After class that day I realized that yes, I have limitations. But also yes, by continuing to show up day after day for months, I’m making progress and slowly but surely I am actively shifting the limitations I have. 💪🏼

The thing with chronic illness and MS is that there will be setbacks and limitations - that part is inevitable. The setbacks and limitations don’t define you, it’s what you do in response to them that matters. Remember, you always have a choice, you may not like the choices you have, but you do have a choice. You can do more of the same or try something new in hopes of getting a different result. Even if you can’t do what you used to be able to, something is better than nothing. Plus, that something is going to get you closer to where you were than doing nothing. I know that for sure.

Alright, I just glanced up to check the time as I write this article - our next class starts in an hour and a half and I had a realization. The exciting part about all this is I conquered a fear and voluntarily ran for the first time in years. The blah part about this is now I gotta do the running warm up every class, but I have that lovely memory to draw on when I don’t want to jog and that will give me the motivation boost to get my ass in gear. It’s time to keep doing something in order to get somewhere new. 🙌🏼