Housework while Chronically Ill
Doing housework is hard if you are healthy, add on an illness and it can become impossible.
There have been many, many times during my 20 years with MS where I have not had the energy or motivation to do basic chores, cooking, dishes or regular self care tasks. When you take a (forced) break from doing those things, the work compounds and starting to take care of it can be overwhelming.
So my ears perked up when I heard about a book called ‘How to Keep House While Drowning’ by KC Davis.
Why?
Because it takes a compassionate perspective to house work, which we could all use some assistance with.
We all know that having an illness adds a layer of difficulty in keeping up with tasks like doing the dishes, taking out trash and/or self hygiene (not just on physically hard days, but on the mentally hard days too).
Once I get behind on chores and self care, it is really easy for me to start the negative self talk and bully myself into doing chores. This ‘tough love’ may be effective in the moment, but it comes at a cost - internalized shame...
There may be shame that you can’t keep up with basic tasks, or around how much rest you need or shame around needing modifications to live and the list goes on and on.
It’s no secret that shame is a pervasive feeling, and while it can never be completely eliminated, taking a compassionate stance can help minimize the possibility of shame building.
Wtf does that actually look like in regards to housework and chores?
This is where the book I am reading comes in. The author, KC Davis, discusses the chores of life and offers the 6 pillars of what she calls ‘struggle care’ as a solution.
First, let’s go through the absolutely wonderful chores of life. These include cooking, cleaning, laundry, feeding, dishes and hygiene. Completing these care tasks can be challenging when you are in survival mode or are living with illness (or fatigue or pain!) and thus are struggling to make it through the day.
If that is the case, then you whip out STRUGGLE CARE!
Struggle care takes the shame out of the care tasks, making it easier mentally (and physically) to complete them in a way that works for you.
There are 6 Pillars of Struggle Care that serve as reminders as you work through care tasks. These pillars are simple in theory, but may be hard to fully adopt. They are:
Care Tasks are Morally Neutral - You aren’t failing if you aren’t keeping up with household chores. That doesn’t mean you are a bad person, partner, or friend. It just means there are dishes in the sink.
You Deserve Kindness Around Your Level of Functioning - No need to be mean to yourself to get things done. Being kind and validating is WAY more successful in motivating yourself to do something that you don’t want to do inherently. Think about it - are you more likely to do something when someone is yelling and ordering you to do it? Or does a little kindness, validation (and maybe some fun music) get the job done?
Good Enough is Perfect - The only perfect thing is something that WORKS FOR YOU. There is no one size fits all, must be done this way or not at all, when care tasks are involved. Do it as good as you can, and that is perfect.
Rest is a Right, not a Reward - You don’t need to do a certain number of things to ‘earn’ rest. If you need rest, take it. There is no award for pushing yourself harder, or being more tired. Your worth is not tied to what you accomplish. You are worthy as is! That one is important - read it again (seriously).
Shame is the Enemy of Functioning - This goes with #2 in the list, but bullying yourself to do care tasks is not going to work long-term. It actually sets up a lovely little cycle of ‘task not done - feel bad about yourself - motivation and energy decrease - shame increases’ and this repeats over and over again. Shame continues to build, along with resentment and you get further away from your goal of doing care tasks (and more importantly, being kind and loving to yourself). I’ve been there and done that, and to be honest, I have been working myself out of a hole recently because I was so busy shaming myself the house got disorganized, messy, stressful and overwhelming.
You Can’t Save the Rainforest if You’re Depressed -Triage the importance of things. Yes, it would be better for the environment to use washable dishes. That said, if doing dishes only happens once a month because you are struggling, try adjusting to your more pressing needs by using disposable plates. Meet yourself where you are. It’s more important to prioritize your well-being and immediate survival need of living in a space where dishes aren’t moldy and dirty. Don’t get down on yourself, it’s just the way things are right now, and that’s okay.
See what I mean about the pillars being simple but not necessarily easy?
What does this look like in real life?
It may mean your house is a mess, but you work to clean one area. While you do that, you take breaks when you need AND you don’t bad talk yourself about ‘how bad it is’. Or, it could mean setting up new routines for when you feel well vs. when you don’t. When you feel well, you take 15 mins at the end of the night to straighten the house, close down the kitchen and do dishes so things don’t pile up. When you don’t feel well, you pivot and use paper plates and disposable silverware. Or create a flare box that has basic essentials for self care that you can use from bed.
Whatever you do, be kind to yourself and pivot when necessary. Of course we don’t want to let the house get messy when we don’t feel well, and we have to accept our reality and make adjustments that honor how we feel in the moment…without the shame filled commentary.
While it may not be habitual at first, try shifting the way you think about care tasks and bring more compassion to your thoughts and actions and see where it takes you. :)
